The Only Fuel You Need While You Diet Is Hate

I'm pretty forthcoming in this blog, so I will not lie to my faithful readers (all three of you) about my personal life. It seems that I have developed into an emotional eater, replacing friends, boys, and parties with food and have since put on a little extra weight. I'm not ashamed of this. Everybody goes through it. But when you can't zip up the khakis that used to hang loose on you, it's definitely time to evaluate life habits and such.


I'm about a month into my diet which is mostly composed of Weight Watchers, lots of vegetables, and exercising. Well, more exercising than just pilates, which I have been doing since the treadmill broke and my iPod was stolen. It's been a frustrating process that includes dreaming of food and generally hating day-to-day life.


Actually, now that I think about it, losing weight involves a lot of hate. During the process, you come to hate a lot of things. This is something new for me, as generally I don't think of myself as a hateful person. But I find myself doing a lot of hating throughout the day. Below, is an example:

Morning

• "I hate waking up hungry."


• "I hate that I just ate air for breakfast."


• "I hate it when I wake up and can barely get out of bed, my abs are so sore."

School

• "I hate it when they have a tray full of brownies in the office."
  
• "I hate that Karen can eat whatever she wants and looks like a bean pole and I am sitting here, eating air."

After School

• "I hate that I ate air for lunch because now I'm even hungrier."
  
• "I hate running on the treadmill and staring at the same spot for thirty minutes."
  
• "I hate running on the treadmill when a terrible song or commercial comes on the radio and I don't want to change it because then all my little dots that show my distance will go away."
  
• "I hate doing crunches."

Evening

• "I hate that I just ate air for dinner."
  
• "I hate that we eat dinner so late, hoping not to go to bed hungry."
  
• "I hate going to bed being hungry."

Nighttime

• "I hate dreaming about food."
  

So as you can see, that's a lot of hate all wrapped up into one typical day in my life and it gets pretty frustrating after a while. It sometimes even comes to the point where it really drags you down.

So I got to thinking, which do I hate more, all those things that I listed there, or the fact that I can't fit into clothes I own? Or that my self-esteem is pretty low latey? Or that I simply do not feel like I live a healthy lifestyle? Or that I sometimes feel like a blob and a waste of space because of what I eat?

I hate all of those things that I listed there, more than the fact that I can't indulge in office sweets or I have to sweat it out on the treadmill all the time. I also have to look at the bigger picture here, which is my long term health. Because of recent health scares in both me and my parents it's a thought in the back of my mind.

So whenever I get on the treadmill or see a plate of delicious brownies, I tell myself "I would hate to wear frumpy clothes, I hate being tired all the time, I would hate to have high blood pressure, I hate feeling like a blob.

It's the hate that keeps me going.