5 Ridiculous Things I Believed As A Child

Working with children, especially ones that have the Internet at their fingertips, has done nothing but prove to me that sometimes kids will believe anything, even if it's totally outlandish. For example, one my 8th grade boys was convinced that 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs' was an idea concoted from a bunch of guys who smoke marijuana (though the connection between the names of the dwarfs and the symptoms of getting high is pretty interesting...Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, etc. Though I don't know where 'Doc' falls into that).

This has lead me to think back on the five things that I believed as a little kid, but later found out were completely untrue and totally ridiculous.

1. Christopher Robin is a girl

Okay, you have to cut me some slack here because I totally had a boy bowl cut growing up and Christopher Robin sports one himself. Also, he has tea parties with his stuffed animals. My little brother never did this and I had tea parties all the time, so, naturally, I thought Christopher Robin was a girl who just happened to be named Christopher.

2. You get pregnant by praying really hard

I blame my grandmother for this one because she always said to me how my parents, aunts, uncles and cousins 'pray for babies and finally God blessed them with one!'. So in my mind, you just had to pray for a baby. This of course brought up conflicting ideas in my head when I heard about a friend's sister getting pregnant in high school. I asked my mother and she sat me down for a miniature version of the birds and the bees talk which is pretty much uncomfortable at any age. At least she told me what really happened before I told someone else about my 'praying' theory.

3. You can dig to China from the playground

I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought you could dig to China in the playground's sandbox. At every school I attended growing up this was always a steadfast belief held by every child in the second or third grade. I was definitely a part of some of the digging teams at school. Sadly, our only success was creating a way to go under the fence out of the playground, which got the kids who did escape into big trouble. Just goes to show they should teach basic geology at a younger age.

4. A Taco is called a Lunch Grape

When I was about three or four I started coming up with my own lingo for things. 7-Up was 'Green Soda' because it came in a green can. Doritos were called 'Katie chips' because my babysitter ate them all the time. But the one mystery is why I started calling tacos 'Lunch Grapes.' I would ask for 'Lunch Grapes' for dinner and even tried to feed one to 1-year-old Will. The best story is one I can't remember though. My dad and grandfather were at the Taco Bell drive-thru and my dad ordered 'one soft taco for my daughter' and I went berserk. I apprently screamed 'I WANT A LUNCH GRAPE, YOU IDIOT!' and would not stop hollering until my dad told the drive-thru attendant that he really meant to say 'Lunch Grape'. No one knows what became of the lunch grape, as one day when I was about five I referred to it by it's proper name.

5. The Muppets actually exist and Seaseme Street is a real place

My parents favorite hour of the day was when Seaseme Street came on because then I would actually settle down and shut up. I was convinced for the longest time that Seaseme Street was a real place. I begged my parents to go there on vacation. I was dying to see Big Bird and Elmo. I was also convinced that Kermit and Fonzie were real people. You can imagine my horror when I discovered from some mean boy at school that they are actually puppets and Seaseme Street is a sound stage.

How about you, faithful readers? Any sort of outlandish childhood beliefs?

American Idol Might Be an Actual Shit Show This Year

I try to remind myself that my real life is seperate from the fictional lives of others that I watch on TV. Sometimes I get sad about what happens in the shows, sometimes I love the new directions they go in, other times I wait out weird plot lines because I know good stuff is coming, and evey now and then I give up on a show completely (see Grey's Anatomy).

Today on my way home from work I was thinking about the recent death on Skins (I will refrain from saying who died, but let's just say it was not pretty) and how I had gotten over it in about a day. I look forward to the finale on Thursday. But when I got to thinking about American Idol I got angry.

You see, I've watched American Idol off and on since it first started ten years ago. I am shamelessly a Kelly Clarkson fan (and shamefully a fan of Kris Allen). But now that it's ten years on I have realized the show has made some changes, but they aren't necessarily for the better. Worse yet, America seems to think that they shouldn't vote for people who have talent and should instead vote for people who are 16 or because they feel sorry for them. Lame.

We started out with a top 24 and of those two dozen I liked Alex Lambert, Didi Benami, Crystal Bowersox, Katelyn Epperly and Lily Scott. Guess what...three of those people were sent home on Thursday. So that means there are two left. The one guy who could actually sing in key, had a nice voice, and who's personality didn't make me cringe was sent packing. GRR. ANGER. What's more is that two of the girls who were interestng and unpredictable also came in at the bottom and had to leave. It was literally painful for me to watch. I was so angry and I couldn't figure out why.

Part of me wants to get mad at the show itself, which has been irksome on it's own latey (more on that in a minute). But really I just need to get mad at America because the people who do vote, that fast-texting teens and moms on their couches with nothing else to do really want to see people murder classics such as "Landslide" and current hits such as "Breakaway" more than they want to see some wide-eyed, genuinely nice guy do a beautiful rendition of "Everybody Hurts" on his guitar. GRRR. ANGER. Alex Lambert had the best voice of the male contenders and now that he's gone we're stuck with a bunch of annoying wannabes, a guy who's there just based on looks, another guy with a neck tattoo, and someone who wants to be referred to as 'Big Mike.'

The girls are a different story. A lot of them are talented, but two that were extremely smart and had great voices went home when two that are sorta stupid and have decent voices got to stay. Other than Crystal, Didi and maybe Siobhan Magnus, the rest of the females are utterly forgettable. Where is the talent in all of this?

See, that's the question. Where is the talent? Seems to me that the idol machine has been running as a machine for far too long. It needs a major make-over. I'm actually king of glad Simon is leaving after this season. The guy is honest, and I'll miss all the funny things he says, but the guy still thinks Mariah Carey is the epitome of music and not so Simon! Things have changed since 2000! He seems to think that female contestants should always be able to belt one out or that male contestants must be Clay Aiken-like to really succeed. Well, Simon, you are wrong. He seems to be wrong a lot and it's almost like he's given up and doens't really care anymore. Well fine Simon, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out.

Ellen, Kara, and Randy all need to be fired too. Let's just do a clean sweep of the judges table. Ellen started strong but she's sometimes obnoxious and sometimes a decent judge. Sometimes doesn't cut it, sweetie! Kara is infuriating because you know she could really critique people yet she flirts a lot of Simon and it's frakin awkward. Randy just sits there and spews nonsensicals.

While we're in the process of getting rid of things, let's get rid of the annoying and painful group numbers. I don't know anyone who likes them. I'm still upset that last year's cast murdered "I'm Yours." It still hurts! Let's get rid of the four judges and go back to three. Let's also get rid of stupid intro packages that show contestants making hair accessories or coloring. This isn't arts and crafts time on PBS! This is a signing competition on Fox!

The show could also use some trimming. I'm tired of the results show taking up so much time. Make it half an hour, fools. Oh, and even though he's annoying, you can keep Seacrest just because he gives lots of people something to talk about. And I liked the process of going from 24 to 12 last year better than this year. The whole elimination thing needs to be overhauled and changed.

The only thing, in my mind, that could save the show is if they throw in some twists to make it interesting. They also need to pick really good theme nights (Tuesdays is "Rolling Stones" night which is top notch I'd say) and have some great mentors. Last year, Jamie Foxx was an awesome mentor. Props to him. They need more like him. How about an evening with Miss Clarkson herself? Or Pharrell Williams? Or Bono? Or Madonna? Or Ryan Murphy from 'Glee'?How awesome would THAT be?!

Basically I'm just tired of American Idol's current set up and I get even more tired of it when it votes off people who are genuinely talented. Though, as sales of Adam Lambert and Kris Allen are proving, Idol is starting to be more and more irrelevant Hmm...we shall see.

My Thoughts on the New 'Best Picture'

On March 7th, the Oscars awarded the most lauded prize of all, Best Picture, to a little film called 'The Hurt Locker.' I wasn't surprised, more like relieved that Avatar didn't win. I was seriously going to questions my status as a film buff if it had. It's great that a story about real events and real people won, as it should. James Cameron, I still think there are great things about films not made entirely with a computer.

Anyways, we talked about 'The Hurt Locker' in one of my classes today and one of my students brought up the fact that he heard the guy who wrote it made it all up. Now, part of what he says is true. The screenwriter (and now an Academy Award winner himself) was a freelance journalist who was on assignment with an Army bomb squad in Iraq. It's a work of fiction inspired by his time in Iraq. It doesn't try to tell a true story. It's no "The Blindside " (which also deviates from the work it's based on, but no matter). And sure, parts of the movie were probably amped up to make it entertaining or more suspenseful. Frankly, the ones in 'The Hurt Locker' were probably more entertaining, hence why they are in there. But it captures the difficulty and the strain that the soldiers are under nonetheless.

Still, this movie is one of the classic examples of why people make movies to begin with. To me, there should be only two reasons to make movies: to entertain and to make people think. 'The Hurt Locker' did both of these. The film, which I rented a few weeks ago, was a tense, suspenseful and in-your-face kind of film. I was not bored once during the movie, even during the non-action sequences. The last scene of the film, in which our hero tries to diffuse multiple bombs strapped to a would-be suicide bomber, is the most memorable scene in the entire film.

I had been thinking about this movie a lot lately. Whenever we watch the Today Show in the morning or even when I overhear the nightly news, I have noticed the coverage of the war in Iraq is down some, which, is hopefully a good thing. But that doesn't mean it's not happening. There are still loads of troops over there. So many men and women still wear a uniform and deal with the kind of stuff that goes on in 'The Hurt Locker' such as violence, uprisings by locals and suicide bombers (not to mention the terrible climate). The movie made me think about the war and made me grateful for the people who do volunteer to go over there, even if it's not the most popular thing.

The movie is also very a-political. It's not a movie about the war politics. It's not even a movie about a bunch of guys who diffuse bombs (though there's a lot of that). It's mostly the story of a man who is addicted to war, or rather, addicted to the adreneline he gets from diffusing bombs. It's about what war is like for one individual. It's delivered on a personal level.

Movies should either entertain you or make you think or both. 'The Proposal' entertains me and 'A Single Man' makes me think. Both films were excellent, but since 'The Hurt Locker' did both, I think it was more than deserving. It was not my personal favorite out of the 10 films nominated, but I still think it was an excellent movie to see and one that you will think about when it's over.

Love for Uncle Stevie

Before I start this post, I must say that the Uncle Stevie I am referencing is in no way my uncle. In fact, Uncle Stevie is Stephen King.

Yes, the Stephen King. The one with the twisted imagination that came up with both Carrie and The Shawshank Redemption. He writes a column for Entertainment Weekly and refers to himself as Uncle Stevie and since I've lost count of how long I've been reading EW, he is forever cemented in my mind as Uncle Stevie.

Recently, I read his book On Writing which was excellent in many ways. Anyone who wants to be a writer should read that book. It's overwhelming how much literature is out there about how to write and I knew I wanted to read more about it, so I put the book on my Christmas list, remembering that my friend Cassie loved it and read it a long time ago. Even Stephen says that this book is not a necessity for writers. The only book that all writers need to read is, according to him, The Elements of Style.

I would argue that his book is right up there with Strunk & White's classic. On Writing was fantastically written. It is a manual for writers written in an almost friendly way. Again, Uncle Stevie writes like he is actually my Uncle. It's accessible and funny and not the least bit preachy. The manual is bookended by a memoir, starting with Stephen's early life, breakthrough, and drug and alcohol addiction and then concluding with a re-telling of getting back to writing after he was nearly killed by a Dodge minivan.

One of the things I really liked about the book, especially the memoir part, is that Stephen is frank and honest about his personal life. He was raised by his mother, never met dad, and they were lower-middle class. Sometimes life was hard for him financially. When he writes about this though, he doesn't write to ask for pity or sympathy. It's just how it was. I enjoyed his personal stories, it made me feel like I had a close connection to him. When he writes about becoming an alcoholic, then getting addicted to perscription drugs, and then doing cocaine while writing Kujo, he is again really honest. He points out that he was an addict and that he was slowly killing himself, but again he does not want to break the reader down or ask for pity. He tells it like it is. It's fantastic!

Another great thing he says is that a lot of writers, especially the Hemingways and Kerouacs of the world, had addictions (or at least drank a lot of booze). But he said that his addictions didn't improve the quality of his writing in any way.

The idea that creative endeavor and mind altering substances are entertwined is one of the great pop-intellectual myths of our time...any claims that drugs and alcohol are necessary to dull a finer sensibility are just the usual self-serving bullshit.

This struck me as intereting because I've never heard anyone speak so frankly about writer's addictions like that. And he should know, as he certainly had plenty of them.

One of the things I liked most about the book was about how it made me look at the process of writing. I already know I can do it and now that I've got some good instruction on the process, I feel like my imagination is bursting through my fingertips, ready for me to type out onto the screen. It's easy to figure out how to get published, but how to write is harder. The insight to his personal habits, his process, and his pet peeves was helpful. He was encouraging and funny, using winning examples and always getting straight to the point.

There was something else I was left with when I finished the book that had nothing to do with how long I should sit at my computer or what adverbs to slash (Uncle Stevie hates excessive adverbs). What I really like about Stephen King is what I really like about a lot of people I admire. Uncle Stevie loves the imagination. He uses it everyday and thinks that it's important, essential and transforming. My favorite quote, and there are many gems in his writing that is often hilarious and always honest, is about imagination.

I think you begin by interpreting "write what you know" as broadly and inclusively as possible...the heart also knows things, so does the imagination.

So I will probably never read the majority of Stephen King's novels, but I have such a respect for him and how awesome he is that I will never, ever think of him as the crazed loon who just writes for EW every three weeks. The respect does not come from the rough around the edges childhood or the traumatic accident (though he probably should have been killed and wasn't, which is lucky). It doesn't come from the fact that he even gave me hope about my own writing. No, instead I look at him as someone who is a master of his craft: using his imagination.