The Only Fuel You Need While You Diet Is Hate

I'm pretty forthcoming in this blog, so I will not lie to my faithful readers (all three of you) about my personal life. It seems that I have developed into an emotional eater, replacing friends, boys, and parties with food and have since put on a little extra weight. I'm not ashamed of this. Everybody goes through it. But when you can't zip up the khakis that used to hang loose on you, it's definitely time to evaluate life habits and such.


I'm about a month into my diet which is mostly composed of Weight Watchers, lots of vegetables, and exercising. Well, more exercising than just pilates, which I have been doing since the treadmill broke and my iPod was stolen. It's been a frustrating process that includes dreaming of food and generally hating day-to-day life.


Actually, now that I think about it, losing weight involves a lot of hate. During the process, you come to hate a lot of things. This is something new for me, as generally I don't think of myself as a hateful person. But I find myself doing a lot of hating throughout the day. Below, is an example:

Morning

• "I hate waking up hungry."


• "I hate that I just ate air for breakfast."


• "I hate it when I wake up and can barely get out of bed, my abs are so sore."

School

• "I hate it when they have a tray full of brownies in the office."
  
• "I hate that Karen can eat whatever she wants and looks like a bean pole and I am sitting here, eating air."

After School

• "I hate that I ate air for lunch because now I'm even hungrier."
  
• "I hate running on the treadmill and staring at the same spot for thirty minutes."
  
• "I hate running on the treadmill when a terrible song or commercial comes on the radio and I don't want to change it because then all my little dots that show my distance will go away."
  
• "I hate doing crunches."

Evening

• "I hate that I just ate air for dinner."
  
• "I hate that we eat dinner so late, hoping not to go to bed hungry."
  
• "I hate going to bed being hungry."

Nighttime

• "I hate dreaming about food."
  

So as you can see, that's a lot of hate all wrapped up into one typical day in my life and it gets pretty frustrating after a while. It sometimes even comes to the point where it really drags you down.

So I got to thinking, which do I hate more, all those things that I listed there, or the fact that I can't fit into clothes I own? Or that my self-esteem is pretty low latey? Or that I simply do not feel like I live a healthy lifestyle? Or that I sometimes feel like a blob and a waste of space because of what I eat?

I hate all of those things that I listed there, more than the fact that I can't indulge in office sweets or I have to sweat it out on the treadmill all the time. I also have to look at the bigger picture here, which is my long term health. Because of recent health scares in both me and my parents it's a thought in the back of my mind.

So whenever I get on the treadmill or see a plate of delicious brownies, I tell myself "I would hate to wear frumpy clothes, I hate being tired all the time, I would hate to have high blood pressure, I hate feeling like a blob.

It's the hate that keeps me going.

1 a.m. cabin fever

Oh God, it's past 1 a.m. and I have to work tomorrow. Oh well.

I have noticed that this week, or really, since Christmas break started I have been frustrated a lot. I attribute this frustration to cabin fever resulting from being trapped in this house and being trapped in Cincinnati.

I like cold weather every now and then, but this is ridiculous. I'm freezing almost all the time now and I can't sit in my favorite spot at the dinner table because it's by the window (in unrelated news, people are dying of cancer and extreme poverty). I had gotten into running again, which is hard to do considering there's a lot more of me to drag around then there was in the summer and fall, but in this weather it is literally impossible to run. I'm either running by the river, which is really effing cold, or I'm running into the wind which is also cold and it hurts my face.

I know what you are saying, faithful readers. "Hey Emily, join an indoor gym." Well, easier said than done. First of all, I hate running on a treadmill because it is terribly boring. I'm not a hamster that can stare at the same spot on the wall for hours upon hours. Also, joining and indoor gym costs money and I've already been told by my cousin that the rec center is a rip off and the gym membership is too but sometimes I can find them at a discount.

So all of my pent up frustrations and energy have nowhere to go until the temperature gets above freezing. Sigh. Or until I get some money, which would require me getting one of the zillion jobs I have been trying to apply for. Only, the bad weather makes it difficult to actually physically go to places, and when applying for a job like a waitress it's always nice to see a physical face.

I could get a job babysitting, but, let's be real. At my real job, I do a lot of babysitting, or at least what feels like babysitting when I tell them to "stop poking him/don't eat that/put your feet on the floor/sneeze into your elbow/etc."

I also feel a lot of cabin fever here in Cincinnati. As the months have progressed I have become more and more enraged at the city, at it's drivers, at it's stupid road system and how it literally makes no fucking sense, at it's westside/eastside politics, at it's politics in general, at the obnoxious Bearcats and their equally obnoxious fans, and at it's small town, gossipy nature. I need to get the eff out of here, but I find that extracting myself is going to be difficult. Well, not for me let's say, but for others. People seem to be taking it very personally when I say that I am leaving and I haven't told my principal this yet and he is going to be none too happy. But really, all I promised was a year, it's not a full time job, and I miss Colorado like you wouldn't believe.

Those Internet courses at UC were a waste of my time and my money (which would be nice to have right now!) and, call me old fashioned, but I prefer school with actual people. I feel like I take a lot of steps forward but then sometimes I go backward again. Frustrating, no?

I also feel like everybody in my whole family knows every single thing that I do and it drives me insane. The complete lack of privacy in many ways is probably what is most frustrating to me. I am longing for the days with Danielle where I can play my music whenever I want and I can walk around the house in my slip and no one will care.

It's only the beginning of January and already I feel lost in this wintery abyss and like I'll never see the warm June rays of Colorado. But I KNOW I will. I just can't let these frustrations get to me.

Thank goodness I can pour them out onto the interwebs.

Growing like a fungus

Omaha, Nebraska. It's not the most thrilling city in the world, but they had Fat Tire. Clearly I was excited.

The wedding was nice, though very small, and enjoyed spending some time with my cousins, away from the ridiculousness of our real lives. I talked to Maggie and Leah more this weekend than I have in my entire life...except when Maggie and I were little and played together.

My little break was nice, but now it's time to go back to the real world which consists of obnoxious 7th graders, dreadful weather, attempting to shade the obnoxious 'Red Horse' pounds (my name for the annoying weight I gained when I thought I didn't have to impress anybody). I guess the fact that I just mentioned I am trying to lose weight is a whole blog-tastic exploration of society/self-esteem/health, but I'm not in the mood.

I'm also trying to get into the habit of doing things that are productive. Watching 3 straight hours of Conan= not productive. Exercising, then writing and/or editing for an afternoon=very productive. I would like to come home from teaching and do a few productive things so I can be a vegetable in peace.

Speaking of vegetables, I really enjoy mushrooms lately. Me! Liking a vegetable that's not a potato! I am growing.

And speaking of fungi, I am about to begin the book I have never wanted to read, "Twilight." I figure though that if I'm going to dislike a series with a firey passion, I should at least read it so I can back up what I say. So...now it's time to form an educated opinion. Again, I am growing. So I think there will definitely be a post or two on this series. I promised my 8th graders I would do this. Hopefully I'm not continually kicking myself for this act of pure kindness.